


Dreaming the Past, Living the Future

by failufail



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-12-01
Updated: 2001-12-01
Packaged: 2019-04-05 05:54:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 21,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14037600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/failufail/pseuds/failufail
Summary: Buffy is having dreams of times past... More like the 1880s past. She wonders about her relationship with Spike.





	1. Comfort

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first fanfic I ever published on FF [dot] net, and I was 19 at the time. I don't know whether to feel embarrassed or not. I'd like to think my writing has gotten way better in the last...17 years. We all had to start somewhere, right? -insert all the embarrassed sobbing here-
> 
> As I was going through the chapters, it just kept getting harder and harder to read and I was totally cringing at some chapters. I apologize in advance for this entire work. x.x

It was late on a Friday night. Buffy was done patrolling for the night. There was nothing more comforting than sitting on the couch, cuddled up in a blanket, and watching some old movies on the TV. A cup of hot chocolate was set on the little coffee table in front of her.

Everyone in the house was asleep for the rest of the night, so there would be no distractions or interruptions. Willow was sound asleep in her mother's old bedroom, and her little sister Dawn was tucked into bed. No worries, just a relaxing, stress-relieving night on her own.

Though the movie was playing its way through on the television, Buffy's attention was elsewhere. Even though her eyes focused on the screen, zillions of thoughts spun through her head. First of all, Giles was gone. It was only three days since he left for England, but Buffy already missed him terribly. Then there was Willow. She had never seen her best friend this depressed since Oz left. Willow loved Tara incredibly, but Tara left as well. The guilt Willow felt was deeper than anything she had ever known. Xander and Anya were in their world of pre-marital bliss. It was still mind-blowing that those two were actually going to get married. It felt like Dawn was one of the only people in her (second) life that kept her sane these days. Of course she would, she was her sister after all. And then there was Spike.

There were too many thoughts about that bleached blond vamp swirling around her head. She didn't know what to think of what was going one between them. It almost felt like a replay of her whole Angel saga. *Almost*. Angel had a soul, whereas Spike definitely *did not*. That made all of the difference. She was the Slayer, and if there was anything more against the rules, it was being attracted to a vampire- minus the soul. But was it really attraction? Ever since she came back to this world, he was the only one who seemed to understand her. He kind of knew what it was like. Kind of.

Maybe it was because she could confide in him so much that made the comfort- level go up and the spontaneous make-out sessions surface. It happened twice. She had kissed him twice. *willingly*. Why, she did not know. It baffled her how she could be confiding in and kissing someone who was trying to kill her four years ago.

Four years ago, Spike was intent on eliminating Buffy, just to add to his list of Slayer-slaughters. It was amazing what four years and a chip in the head can do to a vamp. Spike's interest in the Slayer went from complete hatred to (almost) complete adoration. He loved her, plain and simply. Not obsession, but passion. He cared for her. He cared for Dawn. And in some weird, incomprehensible way, he somewhat cared for her friends as well. Well, maybe at the exception of Xander. Maybe.

Sometimes Buffy wondered about the old Spike. The old Spike. William. She wondered how he was when he was human, before the demon took over. Was he as cocky and egotistic as he was now? It was truly a mystery to her. What she did know, though, was that he was in love when he was human. That girl, what was her name? Cecily. Yeah, that was it. She broke him when she told him that he was beneath her. That happened the same night he met Drusilla. The same night he became Spike.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Spike stood outside Buffy's house, contemplating whether or not to knock. He saw the light and the flickering of the TV in the living room. He knew Buffy was in there. He wanted to see her, just to talk, primarily about what was going on between them. He knew he loved her, but he just didn't know what she thought.

If only she knew how deeply he loved her. If only she could look past his "Big Bad" persona and see him as a man, and not a vamp. If only she could see the vulnerable, caring, loving person that was William.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Buffy stretched out and lay her head on the arm of the couch. She continued to watch the movie and lose herself in her thoughts. Soon, however, her eyes slowly closed and she was swept away into dreamland. 


	2. Shattered

Outside of the bookshop, Buffy stopped and leaned against the wall. She was ready to cry again. It wasn't fair. What was going on? How could this happen? Even in the 19th century, she was mean to William/Spike. And for once, she realized her true feelings. She was completely and utterly in love with him. But it was impossible for her to pursue her love for William in this world, because she didn't belong in it, and she wouldn't pursue anything with Spike because he was a vampire.

In an instant, she ran back to the shop and burst open the door, tears beginning to streak down her face.

"Bianca?" William asked looking up, a bewildered look on his face. "Are you okay?"

Buffy took a look around the bookshop. She noticed the pile of books on William's desk wasn't there anymore. They were sprawled all over the floor, like they were purposely knocked down. Then she looked back at William. His facial expression turned from bewilderment to worry.

He took a step closer to her and stopped. "Bianca. What's wrong love?"

Buffy darted her attention around the room again. She wasn't sure why she came back at all. When she had left earlier, she was sure she kicked him to the curb. She felt guilty for that, and wanted to say sorry. She just didn't know how to do it. Her eyes met with his again and this time, she felt she was drowning in those pools of blue.

"Bianca?" William spoke her name softly.

It only took three strides for her to end up in front of him, and a moment to end up sobbing in his arms. "I'm sorry," she whispered in between her sobs.

"For what, pet?" he asked.

She looked up at him, more tears still welling up in her eyes. "For saying what I did. William, I do believe that I _do_ belong here," she said to him. Then she continued with, "And I do believe that I've fallen in love with you too..."

For some reason, Buffy felt like the weight of the world was lifted off her shoulders. She built a wall of glass around her and her heart after last year when her mother died. Everyone she ever loved left. Sure, she had her friends, but she always felt like she was looking out at them. Even though she had super-powers, they treated her like she was made of glass. They were the ever-loving, ever-caring Scooby gang. Never once did they treat her like she was human, like she was a normal teenage girl, and now a woman. Buffy let words and actions of love bounce off of her glass wall, never letting anyone or anything break it. The only person she ever allowed to hold her hand through it all was Spike, and it was quite peculiar indeed.

She trusted him with her life. She confided in him everything. He felt like her equal. Buffy never saw any reason for her _not_ to trust him. Sure, that one day Spike came back to Sunnydale asking for help with Drusilla, he was in for a royal ass-kicking, but that was because he _didn't_ have a chip in his head and he was alone in _her_ home with _her_ mother, who didn't know he was a vampire. It was strange that he didn't bite her mother. Instead, he was having a little chat with her, and from what she heard, a chat about his love life. Strange.

Well after he got that chip, or maybe even before, she felt like she could trust him. Buffy felt like she could trust him with her life, and her family's life. She trusted him to take care of Dawn and her mother when they were fighting Glory. He risked his life for them when Glory thought that he was the Key. And he kept his promise after she died. He took care of Dawn and protected her with his life.

If only he was human... But wait a minute, she had the human version right here with her. She was sinking into his arms where she felt like she belonged. She had William, the living, breathing, heart-beating, chipless, pre-Spike version in front of her. Everything was the same, but it felt like the roles were different this time. It was her that was out of place, and this world could disappear for her just like... a dream.

So she kissed him. He seemed surprised at first, but then eased into the moment. He kissed her back with all the passion he had. It was an unbelievable feeling to Buffy. He was human, and she had him, and he had her. _And he really did kiss like Spike..._ she thought to herself, knowing the passion well.


	3. Goodnight

And in another flash, Buffy was back in 19th century England. This time, she was being held up in Christopher's arms on a couch. He was holding a cold compress to her forehead.

She opened her eyes to meet Christopher's gaze. _He really has wonderful eyes,_ she thought to herself. They were big and brown, and it felt like you could fall into them and see in his soul.

Christopher was a very handsome man. He was definitely an aristocrat, and probably one of the most handsome *and* eligible at that. He was tall, and had dark brown hair, just like his sister. He had a very commanding air around him, but when talking to him, he was quite easy going. And he had this wonderful smile that could make a girl melt into a puddle in front of him.

"And she wakes," he said, smiling that killer smile of his. "Are you alright Bianca?"

Buffy sat up but fell back into his arms again. She felt dizzy.

"I guess not," he said.

She was confused. Last time she was here, she was eating dinner and then there was a flash and *poof* she was back in 2001. Then she fell asleep again on *her* couch at home and woke up back here. What was going on?

"What happened?" she asked Christopher, her voice a bit shaky.

He looked at her and blinked. "Well one minute, you were eating dinner with us, and then the next, you fainted and fell to the floor."

She fainted and fell to the floor. Maybe that was why her head hurt. Then she remembered just before that flash, they mentioned something about the guy in the bookshop. Christopher and his sister were going there tomorrow, and Cecily threw a fit because she was going to see William. And William was Spike. Then _flash_ back to her time.

"I'm so sorry. Did I ruin dinner?" Buffy asked, a little embarrassed.

He chuckled. "No, not at all. You may have ruined *your* dinner, but not ours," he joked.

That comment made her giggle. Then she sat up. "I'm sorry about that, really. I don't know what was wrong with me. I think I just might need a rest or something." She stood up and wobbled.

"You might need my help up there, love. Let me help," he took her hand and led her up the stairs.

"Thank you," she said as he opened the door to her room for her. Then embarrassed, she blushed. "I don't have... anything to wear."

"Oh..." he said, scratching the back of his head. "I'll ask Cecily. I'm sure she'll help you." Then he exited the room.

Buffy planted herself on the bed almost immediately. She let out a long breath. Why was she dreaming the past? And why was she dreaming in 19th century England, where Spike was? It baffled her.

Moments later, there was a soft knock on her door.

Buffy sat up and said, "Come in."

Cecily walked into her room with a pile of night garments neatly folded and placed them on the bed next to Buffy. "My brother said you needed some," she said to Buffy with a smile.

"Thanks," Buffy replied.

"And I have a message from my brother," she added. "He would like you to join us tomorrow when we go to town. He would like to show you around."

Buffy smiled. She knew Christopher was developing a small crush on her, just by the way he acted. He was technically asking her out on a "date." But it would feel awkward. She was going to see Spike, or William in this case, and with another guy. Well, he didn't know her yet so maybe it wouldn't be *so* weird. Besides, she was curious to see how William was- his personality and all that stuff.

"I'd love to," Buffy answered. Then she added, "Though it would have been better if he asked me himself."

"My brother is shy. I think he likes you, Bianca. You've made quite the impression on him, why, falling in front of him twice and such," Cecily said to her.

_Yeah, like fainting twice in front of a guy so he can save you must really put a boost on his ego,_ Buffy thought to herself. Out loud she said, "He's a nice man."

"Why Bianca, you should feel quite pleased that you have the most eligible bachelor trying to court you," Cecily said. "I can only wish that someone just as prominent and wealthy as my brother would come and court me."

_Oh dear God, she's as shallow as they come,_ Buffy thought, a little appalled at Cecily's comment about men. But then again, this was a time where women did marry for wealth and social status.

"But what's wrong with William?" Buffy asked, apparently trying to get some information out on the man in the bookshop.

"William? Ha!" Cecily said, rolling her eyes. "He's nothing but a poor, homely merchant! I could never accept anything from his kind! And not to mention, he has been obsessing over me since I first stepped into that bookshop, writing me those bloody poems that are hideously awful. Do you know what it does to a woman of my status to have someone like that following me everywhere?"

Buffy wanted to slap this girl from here to kingdom come. She had no right to say something like that, even though he _was_ below her on the status list. But then again, she could relate to what this girl was feeling, having Spike/William obsess over her like he was some lost puppy without her or something. _And wait a minute, Spike used to write poems?!_

"But enough about that, we must get to bed. We have a busy day tomorrow," Cecily finished. She nodded and left the room.

Buffy got dressed into her night garments and crawled into the uncomfortable bed. The garments weren't all that comfortable either. But somehow, she fell asleep, hoping that when she woke up, she'd be back on her living room couch.


	4. Dinner

But she wanted to know. "What do you mean that I 'don't need to know'?" Buffy asked. She was confused.

"He's a shopkeeper, love. There's no sense conversing with that kind, unless of course, you're the customer," Christopher explained coolly.

If that was the case, then that could only mean that Mr. Eden was one of the more prominent people. _And very snobby to be saying that stuff,_ Buffy thought to herself, a tad bit disgusted at his answer.

Christopher continued to say, "Besides, he's got quite a crush on my sister. Though I don't blame him for that."

Buffy just nodded and continued to walk on with Mr. Eden. The stopped when they reached a very large mansion. Buffy had to blink to make sure it was really that big. It looked like one of those places where tons of balls and parties were held.

 _No wonder this guy was so snobby. If I lived like this, I'd probably be snobby too,_ Buffy thought, amazed as she walked up to this structure.

"This is my home," he said as they entered the mansion. "Just follow me, and I'll show you where you can stay." He motioned for her to follow him.

They traveled up a double staircase, of which Buffy was awed over. When she reached her room, she had a look of shock and surprise on her face. It was completely beautiful. There was a huge bed with curtains, but to her dislike, the sheets were red. So was the rest of the room. But she couldn't complain. The furniture was exquisitely detailed, each curtain folded in the right way, every piece of furniture and decorative item placed in the perfect place.

"I'm sorry it's not one of the best rooms in the house, but it's perfectly livable. Please, make yourself comfortable. Just to let you know, you can stay as long as you need to. The butler should be up shortly to let you know that dinner is ready," Christopher said. Then he nodded and left, closing the door behind him.

 _So this is how the big, rich people in 19th century England lived. So much for history class,_ she thought. _What am I going to do until dinner?_

Buffy took a seat on the bed, which wasn't as comfortable as it looked. It was hard, stiff. Not something she could possible cuddle up in.

Her thoughts suddenly went to those of the man in the bookshop. He looked so familiar to her, but she just couldn't think of who he reminded her of. Really, who _could_ she find familiar in 19th century England? Giles was old, but definitely not _that_ old.

There was a soft knocking on her door.

"Come in."

A man with a serious, straight face popped his head in the room. "Dinner Miss Bianca," he said.

"Okay... I mean, sure... I mean, I'll be down shortly," Buffy stammered. They must think that she was one strange bird, speaking the way she did.

A few moments later, Buffy made her way down the stairs and into the dining room. It was also a very large, very decorative room. Candles lit the dinner table, where two men, two women, and a little boy sat. There was one empty seat next to the younger one of the two women. Assuming that was her seat, Buffy made herself comfortable.

As soon as she sat down, the men stood up, noting her presence.

"So you are the young lady my son saved," the older man said. He was apparently Christopher's father.

"Father, she just fell. I was there to help her up," Christopher explained.

"Oh you're still a hero," he said to his son, adding a jolly laugh. "So what is your name young lady?"

"Bianca," Buffy replied with a nervous smile. After she said her name, everyone just stared at her. It took her a moment to realize they were waiting for her last name. "Sum... ford. Bianca Sumford," she said.

Christopher got a quizzical look on his face. "Sumford... That name, ah yes. The Sumford family, northern England, correct?"

"Y- Yes," Buffy said, not knowing what he was talking about.

"Wonderful. You're welcome to stay as long as you need Bianca," the father said, smiling. "Let me introduce you to my family." He pointed first to the woman sitting next to him. "This is my wife, Charlotte." The next was the little boy sitting next to her. "My son, Harold." And then the girl next to the boy. "And this is my daughter, Cecily."

 _Cecily?!_ Buffy thought in amazement. She looked at the girl more closely. She had dark brown hair, a slim figure, and big, brown puppy-dog eyes. Cecily was beautiful, but she had the air of a little spoiled rich- girl around her. Her nose was constantly turned up, and she had the "I'm better than you" attitude. What a snob.

"I'm John, and you know my son, Christopher," the father finished.

"It's... Thank you. Pleased to meet everybody," Buffy stammered out, yet again. She was more preoccupied with eyeing Cecily. She couldn't be... could she?

The father, John, continued with what he seemed to be speaking about before Buffy came down. "Tomorrow, Christopher, I need you to stop by the bookshop for me. I want your sister to come along. She needs to pick up the fabric for her new dress," he said.

Cecily frowned and whined, "Daddy! No! That means..."

Christopher laughed wildly. "You're going to see William!"

 _William?_ Buffy thought, apparently surprised. The man in the bookshop. The familiarity. The chiseled face. Cecily. It hit her right there. _SPIKE?!_


	5. Just a Dream

"Excuse me miss, are you alright?"

Buffy's eyes opened slowly, as she felt cold, hard cobblestone beneath her.

"W- where am I?" she asked the man helping her up.

That was when she noticed her clothes. She was no longer in warm, fuzzy fleece pajama pants and a white tank. Instead, she was in a rather large, poofy dress. It was an off-white color, lots of frills and lace, and a _very_ low-cut neck. When she put her hand up to touch her hair, she noticed it was swept up in an intricate hairstyle with a lot of curls.

"England, of course," the man replied with a strong accent and a smile. "Do you need help?"

Buffy looked around at the dank streets. There were no cars; rather, there were horse-drawn carriages. When she looked at the sky, it was pitch black, and when she looked around the streets again, they were lit by lanterns.

"What's the date?" she asked, completely ignoring the man's question.

"Oh dear, did you bump your head on that nasty little fall?" he asked. He put a hand on her shoulder to keep her steady. "It's December 1, 1880. Are you alright, love?"

"It's _what?!_ " Buffy exclaimed. In a minute she was about to keel over. _This has got to be a dream,_ she thought to herself.

The man looked at her like she had three heads. "December-"

"I heard you the first time!" she snapped. Then, realizing what she said, and what century it was, she looked down coyly and said, "I'm sorry. I mean, thank you. I think that bump on my head gave me a temporary lapse of memory. I'm fine. Just fine."

"Good to hear. Now, where are you staying? Let me walk you there. It's a lot safer, and I'll be there to catch you if you fall," he joked.

Buffy smiled. _This is some dream,_ she thought, pinching her arm inconspicuously, which indeed hurt. That was when she realized she had absolutely nowhere to stay. She was walking around 19th century England, not knowing what the hell was going on or where the hell she was going. Embarrassed, she said to the man, "I... I... I don't know."

"Nowhere to stay? A pretty little lady like you? Well then let me offer you a place to stay," he said.

This guy just met her, probably thinking that she was psycho, and he was asking her to stay with him. Now it was her turn to look at him like he had three heads. But then again, it was better than nothing, and after all, this was just a dream. "I don't even know your name," Buffy said to him.

"Ah, forgive me love. My name is Christopher Eden," he introduced curtly. "And what is yours? I doubt I'll forget a pretty face like yours."

"Oh, my name's B- B- Bianca," Buffy said, realizing that her real name, "Buffy," would sound rather odd in this time.

She followed him home. It was quite strange to see everything so clearly like it wasn't a dream. She felt the cold, stale air around her. It was dreary, yet strangely romantic in a way. Apparently, they were walking through a downtown part of whatever city they were in. There were shops all around, but all were getting ready to close.

Buffy was taking in the sights of 19th century England when she noticed someone through a shop window. He looked familiar, but she couldn't place his face. She squinted a little to see if she could get a better look at him. This guy was busy stacking books in what apparently seemed to be a bookshop. He was bit on the clumsy side as well, considering the stack of books he was lifting ultimately ended up scattered on the floor.

It was his features that were the slightest bit familiar to her. He had a perfectly chiseled face and light blond hair that was frayed this way and that, making him look stressed beyond belief. He wore glasses that seemed to permanently place him under the "dork" category.

"Bianca...?" Christopher said, seeing her distraction to the man in the bookshop.

Buffy turned around abruptly. "Do you know who that is?" she asked.

"Oh, that bloke's name? He's nobody. You don't need to know."


	6. Back to the Future

After her startling conclusion, something flashed and Buffy felt her eyes open. She was back in her living room, and it was the middle of the movie. Whatever just happened, was a dream... but it felt so real. The store window... Spike, no William. And Cecily.

_So that was how she really felt about him,_ Buffy thought, rubbing her eyes. _Poor guy._

If only she could have gone further into the dream. If only she could've at least talked to Spike.

_But man, was he a dork!_ she laughed. At least he looked the part. He looked the total opposite from what he looked like now. Spike with glasses? He could've been a dead ringer for Giles's son. That was kind of creepy. Looking at Spike now, no one could ever imagine him any different. And it was almost definite that no one could see Spike _without_ the bleached blond hair 'do.

She smiled to herself thinking of the extremes of Spike. It was an amusing thought, actually. Buffy giggled and took a sip of her hot chocolate.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Spike was still outside of Buffy's house, but closer to the window so he could see her. With a cigarette in his mouth, he watched her as she sipped her drink. She had a wistful smile on her face. That meant she was thinking of something good. He only wished it was him she was thinking about.

He remembered trying to sort out his thoughts about Buffy a long while back. It was after he got that chip in his head and started to hang around the Scoobies. He thought it was the chip that made him become soft. Well, actually, it was part of the reason. If that chip wasn't in his head, he wouldn't have spent that much time with the Slayer and her friends. He would have killed them all. If it wasn't for the chip, he wouldn't have gotten to know Buffy. He wouldn't have had the chance to care for her, or her sister, even her friends for that matter.

He knew deep down even if that damned chip was taken out of his head, he wouldn't stop caring or loving her. He was too far gone for that to ever happen. No matter how much she said it would, no matter how much she blamed it on the chip, she didn't know how he _really_ felt. He didn't have a soul to lose like Angel. Deep, down inside, he felt like he was human again when she was around him.

How could a human girl, especially the Slayer, make a demon like him feel like this? The answer to this question was easy. He knew exactly why. He just hoped that she'd figure it out too.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Buffy lay back down on the couch and turned off the light and the TV. There was no sense in trying to go upstairs now. It was late, and she knew if she did, she'd probably wake up Dawn. So she cuddled up in her blanket and lay back down on the couch.


	7. Shopping

Highly unlikely. When Buffy woke up, she was still in the stiff, uncomfortable bed and those itchy nighties. When she looked out of the window, it was definitely morning, but it was foggy and dreary outside. It was a rather depressing sight to wake up to.

She yawned and stretched. As soon as she did, she heard a knock on the door. "Come in," she said groggily.

A maid or servant or something came in holding a dress and undergarments. "Miss Bianca. From Miss Cecily," she simply said, laid them on her bed, and then walked out.

As soon as the maid closed the door behind her, Buffy stepped out of bed and picked up the clothing to take a closer look at it. There were stockings, bloomers, and a corset. The dress was a dark blue color, less fluffy and lacy than the one she was wearing the day before.

Well, it was no problem putting on the bloomers and stockings, but the corset was different story. She had to call the maid it to help her out. It felt like the maid crushed her ribs and squashed a couple organs in Buffy's body. It was the most God-awful article of clothing for women that was ever invented. When the maid left, she slipped on the dress. Again, it was very low-cut, but this time, it fit the contours of her body much better because of the lack of frills. Buffy brushed her hair straight and pinned half of it atop her head.

She emerged from her room and down the stairs to the dining room for breakfast. The table was silent in the morning, which made Buffy feel just a bit uncomfortable. Maybe it was because it was morning. She did notice Christopher though. He looked up as she entered the room. He smiled at her and nodded, his dark eyes acknowledging her presence.

After breakfast was over (without her passing out), she, Christopher, and Cecily met in the lobby area. There was a carriage waiting outside to take them into town. First, Christopher helped his sister into the carriage and then held his hand out to Buffy to help her up.

The ride only took about five minutes, and in no time at all, they were in town walking around. Buffy vaguely remembered the town from when she was there the night before. If she were to go out on her own, she would definitely get lost. It was fortunate that she had Christopher and Cecily with her.

"We'll be going to the bookstore first," Christopher said, which initiated a sigh of frustration from Cecily. "Then we'll get your fabric."

Buffy felt a little weird about walking into the bookshop and seeing William. She always wanted to know what he was like, and this was her chance. If he were anything like she saw him as the other night, there would be no problem. For some reason, she didn't think there would be in the first place. William wasn't Spike yet.

There they were in front of the bookshop. Christopher had already walked in. Cecily was about to follow, but she noticed Buffy standing at the doorway looking a little sick.

"Bianca, what's wrong? You do look like you've seen a ghost," she asked Buffy.

Buffy mumbled, "Something like that," and walked in.

When they walked in, Buffy immediately noticed William. He was standing on a ladder, placing some books on the shelves. He still had that frazzled look about him. It made Buffy smile and let out a small giggle.

"What are you laughing at?" Cecily asked her quietly, but not inconspicuously. Apparently, William heard her and looked in their direction. "Oh no," she sighed.

"Stop gawking at my sister," Christopher said. "Now, my father needs a book..."

Buffy stood there with Cecily while Christopher spoke to William. This time, Buffy had the chance to get a better look at William.

He was quite handsome as a human. Well, not that he was any less handsome when he became Spike. Nevertheless, he was definitely _not_ homely. One thing that did bother her though was his glasses. They covered his beautiful blue eyes. His hair flapped about around his face, and this was the very first time she ever saw him in anything other than black. He was wearing brown trousers and a white shirt. He looked rather ridiculous to her in this getup, considering she had never seen him in anything like it before.

This thought made her let out another giggle, much louder than her last.

And everyone turned around.

"Bianca?" Christopher said. Cecily and William were looking at her with inquisitive looks.

"I... um... well... nothing," Buffy stammered out, looking this way and that. "I'll be quiet now."

Christopher and William continued to talk. Buffy looked around the shop more. There were certainly a whole lot of books in here. Giles would be quite content in this atmosphere. But then thinking of Spike in this atmosphere, let alone _books_...

Another giggle, but to herself this time.

"Thank you, William," Christopher said and shook his hand.

"Y- You're welcome," William replied.

Christopher started walking out the door, his sister following, then Buffy. Just as Cecily was about to walk out the door, William spoke up and said, "Cecily..."

She turned around and glared at him. Then she said, "William, will you stop? I do not want you haggling me every time I walk into this shop. Leave me alone!" Then she turned around sharply and stomped out.

Buffy stood there, feeling bad for William. She saw the look on his face, like a hurt puppy or something. She wondered if that's how Spike looked whenever she let him down. She felt for the guy. Cecily did treat him like dirt. He was staring at the door where Cecily made her exit.

"You might want to try to be quick on your words. You'd be surprised the effect that has on a lady," Buffy told him with a smile.

William looked at her, seeming to acknowledge her presence in the shop for the first time. "Excuse me?" he asked.

"I said, next time, try being a little more confident. I think you might like the outcome better," she said, looking him straight in the eye.

"Bianca?" she heard Christopher say. He had opened the door.

She looked over at him and then to William. "Bye," she said, turned around, and left.


	8. The Shopkeeper

William watched the door close behind the strange woman that was just in his bookshop. She seemed rather witty, and that comment was quite brave of her to say. She was actually giving him advice on how to win over a woman! But then again, he could use all the help he could get.

He so adored Cecily Eden. He loved the way her hair curled around her shoulders, the way he could drown in her big brown eyes, her smile, the way she walked, her voice... She was everything he wanted. She was the leading woman in his dreams every night. No matter how many times she'd turn him down, William knew he would never give up.

But in a helpless sense, he knew that even if she'd give him her love in return, there was almost no way they would be able to be together. Their social classes just didn't mix well. There was no way Cecily would ever accept William the Shopkeeper. He would always be a shopkeeper, until the day he died. There was no way to change that.

Thinking about it all made him depressed. But it was no use getting depressed. There was always a way. If he believed in love like he did, love would always win. He knew he would walk to all ends of the earth for her.

"...next time, try being a little more confident. I think you might like the outcome better," he remembered the mysterious woman had said to him. Then she smiled at him and left.

That woman was a pretty picture herself. She was almost the opposite of his Cecily though. She had blonde hair, flowing down her back and falling over her shoulders. Her eyes were green, and she had a darker complexion than Cecily. By the way Christopher was tagging her along, it looked like he was her beau, or he was courting her. Another rich one, but she didn't seem to have the same attitude that the rest of them did. If William could remember the tone of her voice, it sounded like she was helping him, being nice. And she smiled at him. A pretty smile at that.

He sat at his desk, writing yet another poem. Well, at least he was trying to, but had no success whatsoever.

It was almost dark when he looked up from his desk. There were no other customers today, his business seemingly going down the drain. If that happened, he didn't know what he would do. He liked to write, maybe that was an option, but no. No one liked his poems. They all thought whatever he wrote was garbage.

"Bloody fools," he mumbled to himself. "I'll show them one day."

It was about time for the shop to close soon. William got up and was about to lock the shop door when he heard a knocking coming from the window. He looked over and saw her. It was the same woman from earlier.

He opened the door and told her, "I'm sorry love. We're closed for the night."

"I'm not here to shop, I'm here to talk," she said quite bluntly, which took William off guard. And when he didn't say anything, she added, "About Cecily."

As soon as he heard her name, he was all ears. "Come in," he told her, locking the door behind her.

She smiled at him again. "I knew that name would get me in," she said.

"Precisely. What about her?" he asked.

The woman looked thoughtful for a second. Then she said, "Why exactly do you like her so much?" She took a seat on the chair at his desk. Her behavior was not at all lady-like.

"First of all, you've got to let a man *offer* you a seat. Second, what right do you have to ask me about Cecily?" he said.

Her face scrunched up in a questionable look. "Okay, then offer me a seat."

"You're rather odd, has anyone ever told you that?" he commented. "You can sit there since you're already sitting."

She continued talking about Cecily, ignoring the little rift in their conversation. "It doesn't take a genius to see you're head over heels in love with this girl. I just want to know, why do you like her so much? Has she done anything for you to make you fall?" she asked, a bit long- winded.

He thought about her question. All this time, no one has ever questioned his actions. Now this witty, un-lady-like, beautiful woman was bluntly asking him about his feelings. But when he thought about it, the answer was no. She never did a thing to make him fall so hard for her. Cecily treated him like the scum of the earth.

He took a deep breath and said, "No."

"You're just in love with her beauty, aren't you?"

*Yes.* "Yes."

She rolled her eyes. "You're a fool. Even though she treats you the way she does, you still love her, don't you?"

*Yes.* "Yes."

She let out a breath, and started to sway. She put a hand to her forehead. "Oh... I'm not feeling very well..." she said, swallowing.

William walked up to the side of her chair. "Miss, are you alright?"

"No..." she said faintly and then passed out.


	9. The Morning After

Buffy awoke and popped her head up. She was back on her living room couch and there was daylight. The TV screen was blue, obviously, since the movie was long passed over. She looked around, making sure she really was home.

"Hey Buffy, ya sleep down here last night?" her sister Dawn said, walking down the stairs. She was still dressed in her pajamas, but that was normal. It was Saturday after all.

"Yeah... What time is it?" Buffy asked, wiping the sleepiness away from her eyes.

"It's ten o' clock. Time for breakfast... Well, technically it is. Willow doesn't seem to be in the mood to cook anything," Dawn said. "So what do ya say? How about a sisterly breakfast-making session?"

Buffy was still a little confused over what had happened to her the night before. Was it a dream or not? It seemed so real to her. And the fact that she met William...

"Buffy?"

She stood up slowly and smiled. "Sure Dawnie. Let's get cracking."

They went into the kitchen and started cooking. It wasn't long after that Willow came down, still looking depressed as ever.

"G'morning Willow," Dawn greeted cheerfully.

"Morning guys," she replied sullenly. "How was your night Buffy?"

Buffy gave her a half-smile and said, "Same old, same old. Dusted some vamps, and then came home and watched some old movies."

"By yourself?"

"Oh I had help with the dusting thing. Spike came along," Buffy explained. "The movies, actually, I let Spike come in and we snuggled on the couch as we watched the movie," she joked.

Dawn and Willow looked at her, surprised.

"Joke guys, joke. As if I'd ever let Spike cuddle with me. Spike... cuddle... ick!!!" Buffy said and shuddered. "Thinking about it gives me the willies."

Dawn looked away, wishing her sister would let Spike in. She knew Spiked loved her sister. Dawn saw Spike as the big brother she never had. He took care of her when Buffy was... away. He was her guardian, and did a hell of a lot better than Willow, Tara, Xander, or Anya could. She wished the three of them could live like one big happy family. It was something she wished because she never did have one.

Willow wasn't too sure of what to make of Buffy and Spike's relationship. It was weird to know that Buffy confided in him first when she came back. It was even weirder to see them patrolling together, as if they were the closest of battle-buddies. Buffy was beginning to withdraw from the Scooby- gang more and more lately. Whenever she was in trouble, who would be the first person she'd go to? Spike.

"And there was silence. I was only joking guys. Laugh. Ha, ha?" Buffy said.

"Y- Yeah. You and Spike. Funny, yet scary. I can't see you two cuddling on the couch. I see you tearing the couch to shreds with your bickering," Willow replied and let out a half-hearted laugh.

Dawn spoke up and said, "I like Spike. He's a cool guy to hang out with."

Willow and Buffy gave her an "are you kidding?" look.

"You're forgetting that I did hang out with him a lot when Buffy was... not here this summer," Dawn stated.

"More than five minutes talking about Spike makes me feel icky. I think I'm gonna go upstairs and take shower now," Buffy said as she took off her apron and turned to walk upstairs.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Daylight meant bedtime for Spike. Yet, he sat in is crypt that morning, unable to get to sleep. Thoughts of the Slayer plagued his mind.

_One-hundred and forty-seven days,_ he thought to himself. She was gone for that long, but when she was, it felt like an eternity for him. Every dream he had was about her. Saving her. Bringing her back to him. And every night he would wake up from those dreams in a sweat, and then bury his head in hands, sobbing like a baby.

And then she came back. When he saw her for the first time since she came back, he didn't know what to say, or think. He didn't know if she was real or it was just a dream. He didn't know whether or not to run up to her and hug her or just burst into tears of happiness. Neither won over though. As soon as he saw her hands, he understood what had happened to her.

He knew all along she wasn't the same Buffy as before. Though she did act like Buffy, had her trademark Slayer abilities, and looked like Buffy, she wasn't the same. She was indifferent. If her little groupies didn't notice by now, she kept her distance from them all. They unnecessarily brought her back from a place she deserved to be in.

Spike was beginning to get annoyed at himself. He did everything he could for her to accept him. In a way, she already did accept him. He was the one she came to these days when she needed things sorted out. He knew in the back of her mind, somewhere, that there was something connecting them.

He remembered the first time he professed his love to her, about year ago...

"What's going on?"

"Simple. I'm gonna prove something. I love you."

"Oh my god..."

"No, look at me! I... love you. You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're in my gut... my throat... I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you. You can't tell me that there isn't anything there between you and me. I know you feel something."

"It's called revulsion. And whatever you think you're feeling, it's not love. You can't love without a soul."

Well, maybe it was a bad move on his part to chain her up with his two other ex-girlfriends... but that wasn't the point. He loved her and he wanted to prove it. And he did it in so many ways since then, better ways.

And the part about him not having a soul? Every time he saw her, every time they were together, it felt like she gave him back his soul. He didn't need to have a bloody curse put on him like that sorry old poof, Angel.

Every time he thought of that sorry excuse of a vampire, he felt like he needed to punch something. He knew that Buffy and Angel met a few days after she came back. Buffy was reluctant to talk about it though. She didn't even give Spike any details, which made him wonder. What was their deal?

_I want to ring his bloody neck,_ Spike thought. _He doesn't deserve her._ And Spike did? Well, he thought so. What did Angel ever do but bring her unhappiness and torment? He boned her and went evil, whereas Spike took care of her sister and joined the Scooby-gang.

He took a deep breath, sat up, and lit a cigarette. _Damn that Angelus! Always meddling in my business!_

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"What's wrong Buffy? You've been distant all day," Willow said to Buffy later that day.

"I just haven't been sleeping well, that's all," she replied, reluctant to tell Willow about her dreams. She didn't want her to intervene with magic.

"Oh... I can relate to that. With Tara gone and all..."

Buffy nodded. She understood what her best friend was going through. Having someone you love so much leave you in an instant. Of course she would know. It happened to her twice already.

"I'm going to take a nap. I'll talk to you later Will," Buffy said and headed to her room.

She lay in her bed for a moment, still thinking about her dreams. But in an instant, she was pulled into a deep sleep.


	10. Helping Out

Buffy felt something cold on her forehead. When she opened her eyes, she was in a small bedroom, lying down on the bed. She sat up for a moment and looked around. William was sitting at the side of her bed.

"Are you alright?" he asked. "You passed out, so I carried you up here, to my room."

She slowly pulled the wet cloth on her forehead. He carried her? That was interesting. She tried to swing herself out of bed, but William took her hand.

"No love. You still don't look so well," he said to her.

"I'm fine..." Buffy said, trying to get up. She felt dizzy and lay back down again. "Okay, maybe you're right."

He helped her lay down again and smiled.

_He's really got a nice smile..._ Buffy thought to herself. "I wasn't planning on passing out on you tonight, so don't get the wrong idea."

"I assume so," he said and chuckled. "You came to talk to me about Cecily. How do you know her? I'm curious. I have not seen you around here before."

She didn't know what to say. _I passed out in front of her brother and I stayed at their place last night?_ That would sound ridiculous. Instead she said, "I'm a family friend. I'm staying with them for a while."

He gave her a thoughtful look. "I see. So what did you want to say to me before your little incident?"

Buffy had to think for a moment. She had to remember what had happened before she fainted in front of him. They were talking, and she was being nosy and asking why he loved that girl so much even though she treated him like dirt. After reminding herself of their past conversation, she said, "I just wanted to know why you're so in love with her, even though she treats you so awfully."

William shrugged. It was her presence. Anything about her made his knees feel weak. Every time someone said her name, something jumped up inside him. She was in his dreams every night. "She's everything I want," he said to her.

That answer made Buffy feel nauseous. He was a hopeless romantic, this guy, and his previous comment just proved it. It was beginning to look like this was the only trait Spike held on to from his human life. It wasn't a very good trait at that, since Buffy was now his new object of affection. William was essentially a sap.

"You've got to be kidding me," Buffy mumbled. "Well, I'll help you get her. She doesn't know what she's passing up."

Buffy's reasoning was plain and simple. This no longer seemed like a dream to her. It felt as real and clear as day. If she was really in the past, maybe she could alter everything. If she could make Cecily love William as much as he did, maybe Spike would have never come to be. And if Spike never came to be, then he wouldn't be there to cause her so much trouble in her time.

William looked at the woman doubtfully. How was she going to help him? "How are you going to help?" he asked her.

"Well first, you've got to open up more. You're shy, I can tell. You need more confidence. You barely got her name out and then she stomped all over you before you could say anything else," Buffy told him bluntly. "And she told me that you like to write poems..."

"She said that?" His blue eyes flickered with hope.

"No, it was more like, 'I wish he would stop writing me those bloody poems!'" Buffy told him, imitating Cecily in her best try at an English accent. Then she noticed whatever was flickering in his eyes fade away. "But... Look, William, all you have to do is show her the good man that you are. And even though I've only just met you, I know you are."

"Thank you," he said, nodding once. "What is your name? I don't believe you told me that."

She smiled and said, "Bianca."

"What a beautiful name," he commented.

It made her blush a little. _I wonder what this guy would've thought of the name "Buffy"?_ she thought to herself and smiled. "Thank you," she said, as she sat up.

This time, William had a better look at this woman, Bianca. She certainly was beautiful. Blonde hair, green eyes, and wonderful smile. She looked just a bit flushed at the moment, probably from her recent unconsciousness. She wasn't pale like some of the other women in town; rather she looked like she had a lot of life in her. Her wits were what impressed him the most. He liked the way she could say anything and not feel the least bit embarrassed. Most women would be afraid to say some of the things she did, especially to a man.

And she was being nice to him. She was one of the aristocrats, and she was talking to him like a normal, human being. Bianca didn't look down on him like a lot of people did. She was odd, different. But it was a good odd and different.

Now she offered to help him win Cecily. He didn't know how to react exactly. It was strange how she basically interrogated him when she barged into the store earlier this evening, and now was offering to help him. Maybe she was losing her mind.

Buffy noticed William staring at her, with the same sappy look Spike would give her sometimes. _What in the world?_ she thought unbelievably. "What?" she asked, breaking the seemingly trance he was in.

"I... Well... You are... You're an aristocrat like Cecily. I don't see how you could understand," he told her.

Buffy looked down. She understood more than he knew. More than he would ever know. She knew she could give him happiness if she did this right. He wouldn't have to spend an eternity of looking for and losing love, like she already knew.

"Love. I know what it feels like," she simply said. "I know how it feels to love someone so much and not be able to spend your life with them because the circumstances don't work out right." She reminisced for a second about her relationship with Angel. It still made her heart sink. She shook herself out of those painful memories and continued, "I don't want to see it happen to you too." There was a double-meaning to her words.

William noticed the damper in her tone when she told him her reasoning. What could have happened to her that hurt her so much?

Then she chuckled for a second and smiled. "You probably think I'm some sort of a crazy-woman, don't you?" her eyes squinting as she spoke.

Actually, no he didn't. Even though she was an odd bird, he understood every word she said perfectly. He felt like they had some sort of understanding between them, though they just met. So he said to her, "No. I'm the one who's crazy, crazy enough in love to let you help me."


	11. Thoughts

"Hey...! Ow!" Buffy complained as the maid was tightening her corset. "I don't see why we have to wear these things. Aren't they responsible for ribs breaking and all that stuff? Ow!"

"Now Miss Bianca, corsets are an essential part to a woman's wardrobe. A slim woman is an attractive woman," the maid told her, pulling the corset even tighter.

Buffy rolled her eyes and winced as she pulled the strings tighter. "Well, a slim woman who can't breathe because her corset is cutting off her circulation isn't much of an asset in the world of attractiveness. Ow! Are you done yet?"

"Yes. Now get dressed. Christopher is downstairs waiting for you," the maid told her and left the room.

Buffy rolled her eyes again and picked up the maroon-colored dress on her bed. She slipped it on and brushed her hair down. She picked up the mirror on the dresser and looked at herself. She frowned a little, wishing there was some sort of makeup available to her. Since there wasn't she sighed and put the mirror down. Then she made her way downstairs.

"Are you ready to go?" Christopher asked, holding out his arm.

Buffy nodded and hooked her arm under his.

That night, they were going to a party. She didn't know what it was for, but she agreed to accompany Christopher anyhow. What better way to experience 19th century England than to attend an aristocratic party?

It was _boring._ The party was unbearably boring. Thinking Christopher would spend the night with Buffy, she got all dolled up for him. Instead, they had dinner, and then the men retired to the study, where they drank and talked about meaningless things. She was stuck with the women, listening to their mindless jabber. Each and every single one of them was stuck up and shallow. If only they could listen to themselves talk.

Buffy sat back on the couch she was sitting on. She was exasperated. If she heard anything else about "oh my dress" or "oh he's rich" or "oh my father" she would die from utter frustration.

Her frustration led her to standing up and heading for the door.

"Why Bianca, where are you off to?" one of the women asked, noticing her departure.

"I just need some fresh air," she said, and then under her breath she added, "and a couple gags so I can shut you people up." Then she stormed out of the mansion and sat herself down on a bench outside.

Happy to be away from the party and outside, Buffy relaxed and looked up at the sky. It was amazing how you could see the stars. It would be nice to be sitting with someone looking up at those stars.

*Oh God Buffy, get a grip,* she told herself. But the view was kind of romantic.

She looked in the window and saw all the women fussing around. Her gaze went over to the big clock. It was nine o' clock, and she had a feeling Christopher would be staying for at least another hour or two... or three... or four.

That's when she thought of something. She would go visit William. He probably wasn't doing anything special. Probably cleaning the store. She stood up and started walking towards town.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

_The rays of moonlight dancing on her dark hair..._ William thought. He was writing another poem about Cecily. This was his normal routine every night. Well, except for last night. He was too preoccupied talking to Bianca.

For some reason, it made him blush, thinking of Bianca. Not only was she beautiful, she was witty, smart, and her brow wrinkled in this cute way whenever she thought she said something inappropriate. All night they talked about ways to win over Cecily. This woman had some pretty wild ideas. It was funny how they seemed to understand each other. It did seem like she was once in love herself.

There was a knock on the window. William looked outside and there she was. No, not his Cecily; rather, it was Bianca. He smiled at her and gestured for her to come in.

"Good evening Bianca," William greeted.

"Writing a poem, are we?" she said, snatching the poem from under his pen. She started reading, pacing around the room. "This is beautiful," she said when she was finished. She was looking at him with those big, green eyes.

Yet another unexplained emotion swept over William that second. For a minute he felt like he was blushing. Maybe it was just because of embarrassment. "It's not finished yet," he said, looking down hoping that she didn't see him blushing.

"But it looks like it is. Have you ever thought of keeping things short and sweet?" she asked him. "Maybe that's why she thinks that your poems are 'so bloody awful'."

He looked at her, a little offended. "Now see here. I find it rather rude for you to be passing judgment on the structure of my poetry. There are not enough words in the English language to convey my feelings for her."

"You're a sap," was her comment to him. "Women don't like long, drawn out professions of love and adoration. A simple and meaningful, 'I love you' can do more than a storybook of words that half the people in town probably can't understand."

William blinked. He had never had a woman say something like that to him before. He never had a woman pass judgment on his writings. He never got any input whatsoever on how his writing was, except for everyone saying that his poems were horrible. He was quite astonished.

"William, you're a wonderful, wonderful writer, but the drabble... She doesn't know how you feel. You can go on and on about how beautiful she is, but have you once told her that you're head over heels in love with her?" she asked.

She had one hell of a point. "No," he said, shooting his gaze to the floor.

"Then there you go. You have to tell her," Bianca said. William looked at her. She was mad. It was a lot harder than that.

That was when she grabbed his hands in hers and sat in front of him. "I want you to try something..."


	12. Pretend?

Buffy wasn't quite sure why she was going to do this, but it was the best idea she could think of to get William out of his shell. He was shy, and she needed to get him to be un-shy. She said to him, "I want you to pretend I'm Cecily. Pretend you're talking to me at a party and you're going to tell me that you're in love with me."

He looked at her unsurely. "Did you pass out again, Bianca?" he asked.

"No! William, trust me. I know I'm not 'your Cecily,' but at least I'm somebody," Buffy told him.

"I don't see how this can work," he said.

"Just do it," she said impatiently. "Close your eyes and pretend I'm her."

William shut his eyes. Buffy looked at him for a moment and noticed how handsome he really was. His hair was still in a frazzled state, which she wished she could reach up and fix for him. He looked calm and relaxed and she could see his perfectly chiseled face, that she wanted to reach up and caress. His glasses were settled at the end of his nose, which she wished she could just take off so she could see his striking blue eyes.

Then he opened his eyes, which took Buffy off guard. He was looking straight into hers. She forgot she was still holding on to his hands. Just sitting there like this was making her flushed. He was so handsome, so sincere, and he wrote beautiful poetry. How could Cecily _not_ see how wonderful this man was?

"I love you," he said steadily, yet strongly.

To Buffy, it sounded like he was talking to her. He was, but not *to* her. He was talking to Cecily. She was the stand-in for his true love. And it made her feel... she didn't know how it made her feel. Second best, maybe. Well, it wasn't like she was anything on his list to begin with, besides an ally.

She didn't know what to say to that, even though she was only acting. Buffy was speechless. Was it the sincerity in his voice, or was it his deeply probing eyes? In one moment, she felt like she was under his spell... even if he wasn't Spike.

"William..." was all she got out, even though it was just a whisper.

"I loved you since the first day I saw you," he continued, holding onto her hands more tightly. "Even though I'm not what you want, I can be what you need. If you can find it in your heart to give me a chance, you will make me the most content man in the world. I'm drowning in you Cecily."

And Buffy was drowning in his eyes. They showed more feeling than they ever did. She didn't know what to do. At this moment, she wanted to fall into his arms and stay there. And it felt like she was too, because with every single one of his words they got closer to each other, until finally, they were basically face-to-face.

"Would someone like you ever let yourself love someone like me?" he whispered as he shut his eyes, obviously waiting for her lips to meet his.

Buffy was about to, because she wanted to, but it was _wrong._ This wasn't her place or time. If she kissed him, nothing would be the same. He wasn't supposed to fall in love with her, he was supposed to be in love with Cecily. And if Buffy didn't want to see Spike in the future, it was Cecily that William should be kissing, not her. She realized that she couldn't let herself fall in love with William.

"Good," Buffy said quietly, moving away and letting go of his hands.

William opened his eyes slowly, looking like he just realized what he was about to do. "Sorry Bianca," he said, scratching the back of his head.

"I... have to go. Christopher is waiting for me," she said and in one swift motion, she got up and left the shop.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

William let out a long breath. _What just happened?_ he asked himself. Was he really about to kiss Bianca? It seemed so. And he wasn't stopping himself.

That moment was perfect. It was exactly as he planned out to be, but with the wrong person. It played out like he wanted, every word, every action... up until the kiss that didn't happen. The only problem was that it felt absolutely right. He wasn't nervous at all around Bianca. He felt comfortable. He wasn't afraid to say that to her. The words just flowed right out of his mouth like he was supposed to be saying them to her. And from what he saw in her actions and in her eyes, she was feeling every single word like they were really being said to her.

Now the dilemma was that William must have made a fool of himself and scared her away. He knew he should have stopped himself from trying to kiss her. William wasn't even sure that she would come back ever again.

_William you are an utter fool!_ he scolded himself, smoothing out his hair with his hands.

"Idiot, idiot," he mumbled to himself.

Then he realized something. Why was he scolding himself so bad? First of all, he didn't have Cecily, so he shouldn't feel guilty. Second, Bianca was a beautiful woman who seemed interested in him, even if it was just as a friend. But something made him feel like he could do anything when Bianca was with him. She could make his mind think in way he could never imagine. She made him feel like a real person, not some speck of dust everyone would step on, like the people of town did.

_Could I...?_

William gave this sudden realization a thought. Could he have fallen in love with Bianca?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Buffy ran all the way back to the party. As soon as she reached the door, she was ready to curl up into a little ball and cry. How was it that one man in the future could cause her so much trouble and unnecessary pain, and the same man in the past make her feel love like she had never felt before? It wasn't fair how this was turning out. She knew very well that whatever they had going on couldn't happen.

But the feeling in her heart was just too awful to just pass over. It was unbelievable that she was falling for William! And it was almost incomprehensible that he was about to kiss her. She wanted to so bad, but she couldn't. He was in love with Cecily, not her. She knew this like she knew the back of her hand.

"Bianca? Oh Bianca! I was looking all over for you. Were you out here all along?" Buffy heard Christopher say, opening the door.

"Yes. I wanted to grab some fresh air. It was getting a bit stuffy in there," she explained.

"Well, I was wondering whether or not you'd like to stay or leave," he said to her. "I believe that these people were starting to bore you, as they did me as well."

Buffy smiled at him. He was right. "Yes, I would love to leave, but I'm your guest. Shouldn't you be the one deciding this?"

"Then we'll go, love," he said, and in another moment the carriage was there, ready to take them home.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It felt good to be back in that horribly stiff and uncomfortable bed again. She would rather be there crying than back at the party trying to get a hold of herself. It was horrible that she was feeling this way. She was confused over two essentially _different_ men.

But it wasn't like she _wanted_ Spike. He was an annoying little... wait a minute. Another thought pressed into her mind. William sounded as confident and pushy and sincere as Spike did when he was confessing his love to her.

Buffy didn't know what to think, and she ended up crying herself to sleep. She wanted to go back home.


	13. In and Out

When Buffy opened her eyes she was back in her room. Her eyes hurt and felt a little puffy. Had she been crying? That was odd. Then she remembered her dream. Dream? No, it wasn't a dream. It couldn't be a dream anymore. Her heart ached.

She looked out of the window in her room. It was already dark outside. It was time to patrol. It was time to inevitably meet up with Spike, so he could patrol with her. That's what would always happen. She'd be walking the cemeteries aimlessly, waiting for a vampire to come after her and then Spike would show up and end up annoying the living crap out of her. But she couldn't help it. It felt normal for him to be with her while she was patrolling. Besides, two is always better than one, and since she got back, she could use all the help she could get.

Buffy walked over to her closet and pulled out her leather jacket. Then she walked down the stairs and was greeted by a happy-faced Dawn.

"Hey Buffy, are you going to patrol?" she asked her sister.

"Yeah, I'll be back later," Buffy told her.

Dawn noticed that her sister's eyes were on the puffy side. Something was wrong. So she asked her, "Are you alright? You look... Were you crying?"

Buffy gave Dawn the fakest smile she could muster. "No. I just woke up, that's all. Rubbing my eyes and all."

"Oh," Dawn replied, not completely believing her sister. "Well, good luck tonight. And if you see Spike, tell him that I said hi."

"I will," Buffy said and left.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"You" Punch. "have" Kick. "to" Chop. "do" Smack. "better" Headbutt. "than" Punch. "that!" Stake. It was routine. Play with the vampire for a minute and then stake him. Slaying was actually starting to get boring these days. Then again, everything in this world was getting on the boring side.

Buffy smoothed her hair and caught her breath. She continued to walk through the cemetery, knowing very well that there were no more vampires out to get her tonight. She just wanted to sit and relax, maybe enjoy the night. So she sat on one of the headstones and started staring up at the moon.

"You should be a bit more inconspicuous than that, love," she heard a trite British accent say from behind her. "You don't know what can sneak up on you."

Buffy turned around to meet Spike's eyes. _They're the same blue eyes,_ she thought to herself. He was just standing there, hands in his coat pockets. He had a smirk on his face that looked like it was saying, "Come and get me." It was inviting, yet repulsing at the same time, thinking back to what happened at the Bronze the other night. _I can't believe I let myself kiss him,_ she said to herself. But instead of letting her feelings get the best of her and yell at him, she just smiled.

"Cat got your tongue tonight, Slayer?" Spike asked, making his way closer to her. When he was finally right in front of her, he carefully placed his hand on her shoulder. Then he said, that same smirk playing on his lips, "Or do I?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. _Yeah, ruin the moment with your snide comments,_ she thought to herself. "Spike, do you ever think of what you're saying before you say it? Oh, wait, you're a guy. That would be abnormal if you didn't," she said, turning around and standing up. She was letting her feelings get the best of her again.

"You know we have to talk about this. You can't just walk away," he told her. She turned around, rage now forming in her green eyes. "Something is going on between us, and you're too lost in your whole bloody righteousness that you just don't want to admit it!"

"How can you say that Spike? Do you *want* me to say it? Oh, 'it's not you, it's me,' Spike. Don't you see that we're completely wrong for each other? They were just a few simple and meaningless kisses. You happened to be the one there who was comforting me, and I was vulnerable and you took advantage of that. I'm not afraid to say that those two times we kissed were the most disgusting moments of my life," Buffy told him with all the fury she could unleash.

Spike was angry now. If anyone knew how to push his buttons, she did. He punched the headstone she was sitting on before. "You don't understand," he said and turned around sharply. He started walking away from her.

"Don't understand what?" Buffy yelled after him. "Spike! What don't I understand?" She went after him. And when she was about to catch up to him, he turned back to her abruptly.

"You're lost, Slayer. You still don't get it," he said, clipping each word, making sure she got the point. Then he turned back around and disappeared into the night.

Buffy stood there, trying to make sense of what he was saying. What didn't she understand?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Spike walked back to his crypt angrily. He didn't know who he was mad at, if it was himself or it was the Slayer. She knew exactly how to hurt him, emotionally, every time. She knew the right words to say to make him feel like dirt. She knew where to hit him so it felt like she was reaching into his chest and pulling out his heart.

God knew she did it enough times too. In many different ways...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Bianca, you can't deny that something happened last night between the two of us," William told her when she hesitantly walked into his shop the next day.

She rolled her eyes nonchalantly. "I don't know what you're talking about William. You did well. You captured all the feeling you had in those words. Cecily will surely fall in love with you," Bianca replied, her voice sounding just a bit unbelievable.

But it wasn't Cecily he was saying those words to. Those words were for her, the jewel standing in front of him right at this moment. He knew that she at least felt half of what he did. He could tell by the sound of her voice. She couldn't even look him in the eye.

Bianca smiled sweetly at him, that sweet and comforting smile. "Acting, William. It was all an act. And might I say, it was a wonderful performance. Cecily will..."

"I don't bloody _care_ what Cecily would think. I _did not_ say those words to her. I said them to you, and I am not frightened to say that I meant every, single one of them. Bianca, I've fallen in love with you," he said to her in a steady and confident voice. He stepped closer to her, and she stepped back seeming to want to keep the distance between them.

She had a profound look on her face. It looked like she didn't know what to say to that. William didn't know what to make of that face. Was it shock or surprise? Or was it repulsion? He couldn't bear it if it was the latter.

"What do you want me to say to that William? What do you expect? I... _can't_ be with you. There are so many things that you don't know about me. I don't belong here, William. And because I don't, I can't be with you, even if I wanted to," she said to him, hurt reflecting in her green eyes.

What did she mean by that? She didn't belong here how? "Bianca, if this is about social status, sod it! You can't expect me to believe that. You were the first person in that crowd to treat me like a man, an actual man. And last night..." he swallowed, "Last night, we almost kissed."

"And the major factor in this equation is that we _didn't._ We did nothing. Why can't you just let it go? I think that it's good that we didn't get caught up in the moment, otherwise, one of us would feel used, a convenience. Did you really want that to happen?" Bianca said to him.

"No, but Bianca..."

"I've had enough. William, please stop. I have to go now," she said. She turned around quickly and exited the shop.

Frustrated, William knocked off the pile of books stacked on his desk. It wasn't fair. After all that had happened, she rejected him. She made excuses, acting like nothing had happened. Bianca had hurt him for the first time, and it was her words that did it. Nothing hurt more than her denial.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Buffy slammed the door shut when she got into her room and started pacing around. She was infuriated with Spike. It was unbelievable how he did that every time. She wanted to punch his face in, and she usually did, but she didn't tonight. What in the world was wrong with her? Every time he mentioned any chemistry between them, it would get her angry. The only chemistry that was there between them was the one of Slayer/vampire. She was supposed to kill him.

But she couldn't do it. There was the slightest bit of compassion for him in her heart because he had that chip in his head. He couldn't hurt her. And because he couldn't hurt her, she surely wouldn't hurt him. Then there was the other fact that he helped her patrol and kill the baddies.

She flopped herself down on her bed. She was still angry and a little frustrated. She still didn't know why she kissed him. As many times as she would try to reason her actions, she would never come up with a rational answer. Was it the heat of the moment? The only reason she could come up with was that she was lonely, and he seemed to be the only one there for her.

She remembered how gentle he was with her when she came back. He held her hands so tenderly. He counted the days she was gone. He was there to listen to her. He knew everything that happened to her before any of her friends did. He always seemed to come at the times she needed him the most. It was because he understood.

There were too many thoughts running through her head. It just wasn't fair. Buffy knew that if Spike were to leave, something inside her would be taken away. She would feel truly alone, even with all her friends with her. It didn't matter, he was like her equal.

"Spike..." she whispered. "I can't do this..."


	14. Time

Spike remembered the kiss like he remembered the events of the day before. He remembered how sweet she tasted, and the way her hair brushed against his cheek. She had so much passion in her. She was everything he wasn't. She was everything he could be, she ignited the fire in him. But then she was gone. After that night, she just vanished, and he never saw her again.

Man or vampire, Spike would always have a soft spot for his dear, sweet Bianca. He swore, when he was turned, that if he ever found her, he would turn her so they could be together for eternity. But after his 50th year, he was sure she wasn't alive anymore. She probably died happily, married, children, the whole nine yards. She probably forgot about him after that night.

He had once asked Christopher about Bianca. He turned noticeably paler and told him that she went back home. But of course, Spike didn't believe a word he said. She wouldn't just go like that, especially if Christopher had his eye on her as well. He would never have let her go. And by his expression, it sounded like something happened to her. But Spike didn't want to press harder.

Drusilla always bugged him about her. She always said she saw her on him. Like she was a plague or something. But there was no use getting rid of her, since she was long gone anyway. Dru always told him that it was odd for a ruthless vampire like him to love someone like Bianca, a human. It was the first time that Dru ever knew a vampire to love a human. She let it pass, because she knew that Spike was in love with her all the same.

But then came the Slayer. The slayer of two Slayers, Spike was as egotistical as they come. Every time he found out where one was, it was almost positive that he'd come running to get his chance to dance with one. He first heard of the Slayer in Sunnydale after she dusted the Master. He always thought the Master was all talk no action, and this just proved it. It also proved that this Slayer couldn't be underestimated.

Spike knew the Prophecy. This girl was supposed to die against the Master, but for some reason, she was still alive and kicking- literally. It was good she wasn't dead yet, though. Spike wanted his chance to dance with her, and have another notch on his belt. Better yet, he knew Angelus was good, considering he had his soul back. Spike also knew he had something going on with the Slayer. It would have been good to take them both on, his Grandsire and the Slayer. It would have been fun indeed.

The first time he saw her, he was spying on her at The Bronze. She was dancing, quite provocatively, actually. She was a pretty little thing with blonde hair and a slender body. Spike remembered smiling, thinking how much fun he would have taking her on. He also remembered promising that he'd kill her that Saturday. It never did happen, or any of the other times he said he would. She always found some way to fumble his plans.

He could never imagine that he'd ask for the Slayer's help. But it happened. Of course, it was all Angelus's fault. It was always his fault. He took Dru away from him. That was one thing that Spike couldn't stand- his lady getting taken away. He hated it, and whoever did it was going to die. This time, he didn't do much. He didn't get to fight Angelus, but he died anyway, at the hands of his precious Slayer.

When he and Dru were in South Africa after that whole episode, it was the first time since Bianca that she snapped at him about their relationship. She was cheating on him with that damned Chaos Demon. Why? Because of the Slayer. That girl was all Spike thought about, all he dreamed about, all he cared about. Well, that's what Dru thought. She told him that he was covered in her. She was right at that point. All Spike thought about when he left Sunnydale was killing the Slayer. He hated that girl. At that time, he really, really hated her. But how could he _not_ think of her? She turned his entire world upside-down.

She was familiar to him though. The minute he looked into her eyes, he knew something was there, but he didn't give much thought to it. The only thing he could comprehend that was there was ultimate loathing and dislike. Especially _after_ he got that chip in his head, standing around her and hearing her blabber on and on about stupid, _stupid_ topics. She made his blood boil.

She made his blood boil, his head hurt, his body ache, and his knees weak. She was everything and everywhere to him. She plagued his thoughts, she stole his dreams, and she had his heart. To think that she could just blow him off like she did hurt him. After they shared two pretty damn intimate moments, it hurt him even more that she could act like she just didn't care. If patience was a virtue, he could damn well call himself a saint by now.

Patience... for one-hundred-and-twenty-something years he had the patience of the world. He waited that long, and now he wasn't going to give up. He saw her die twice already.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Gently, William settled himself beside her, holding her close to him. It turned out to be a wonderful night. He smiled to himself, knowing that he had perfection right beside him, locked in his embrace. She was everything to him, and he was thanking his lucky stars that he finally found her.

He couldn't help but watch her sleep. She was the most beautiful creature he had ever laid his eyes on. She looked so peaceful sleeping there, and he could see a faint smile still playing on her lips, that made him wonder what she was dreaming about. He gently brushed away strands of golden hair from her delicate face. If this was what love felt like, he was happy he found it.

He softly kissed her on the forehead and said, "I love you Bianca."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Buffy sat up in her bed, startled. Was that a dream? It didn't feel like a dream to her. She felt like she was still breathing heavy. She got out of bed and walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. She was still sweaty and a bit flushed.

Her dream was quite vivid. It felt so real, so passionate. He was so gentle, so warm, so inviting, so lovely. She felt like she was home in his arms. When he held her close to his body, she felt safe, as if that was where she belonged. But it couldn't be real because she woke up in her bed in the 21st century, completely alone. She only had the memory of that one fantastic night with her William.

She splashed cold water on her face. _Get a grip Buffy,_ she told herself. It was a dream, only a dream. She dried her face quickly and sneaked back into her bed, pulling the covers around her.

No matter how much she could kid herself, she knew it wasn't a dream anymore. It felt too real and the memories were too clear in her head to consider it a dream. She wished Giles were around to help her make sense of it all. But what would she say to him?

"Giles, I'm having erotic dreams about Spike when he was William back in 19th century England."

Fat chance. He'd probably laugh at her and blow it off. Maybe she could talk to Willow.

"Will, I've been having dreams that Spike and I were together when he was William."

She'd laugh and cast some sort of spell to make her forget. No, that wouldn't be a bright idea. No more magic for Willow. There was Xander too.

"Xander, I dreamt that Spike..."

Forget that. As soon as she mentioned Spike, Xander would go all nutty and get a stake ready to kill him. Well, maybe she could talk to Dawn. After all, she *was* her sister.

"Dawn."

Maybe not. Her dreams were definitely *not* for her little sister's ears. It seemed like she was on Spike's side anyway. Dawn had a thing for him, and the fact that Spike treated her like she was *his* little sister too... No.

Buffy looked at the clock. It was already 4am. She needed to get some sleep. It was pointless to worry over this now. She closed her eyes and fell back asleep.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was almost sunrise. It was the same night he made love to her. That was the first and last night he'd have with her. He remembered hearing a scream outside, but gave no thought to it. It was probably her. It had to be, because when he talked to Christopher, he hadn't seen her since earlier that night, and then she disappeared.

Spike remembered watching her get dressed from the bed. Even though they only had one night together, he remembered each and every curve of her body. There was no doubt in his mind that he could draw her straight from memory. He smiled, knowing this.

When she was done getting dressed, she turned to him and smiled. She walked over to the bed and sat down next to him. She said to him, "Do you promise to read me a poem next time?" Then she smiled.

"Yes love. I promise," he told her. He put a hand to her cheek and drew her close so he could kiss her.

Then she got up and headed to the door. "I'll see you tomorrow William," she said as she opened the door. Before she exited the room, she said, "I love you." Then she left.

That was the last time he saw her. He knew he should have walked her home. He should have been outside in the dark with her. He shouldn't have left her alone. But she insisted he stay. And she left... and never came back.

Spike buried his head in his arms. It wasn't fair. How dare she haunt him now, after what she did to him? But he could never hate her, he could never hurt her. She was the only person who accepted him as he was. Why couldn't she do that now? Couldn't she remember anything? It didn't seem like it.

Frustrated, Spike knocked off the candles on the table.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Buffy walked out of the bookshop, a smile still playing on her lips. It was a wonderful night indeed. Who would have ever thought she'd fall in love with William? He was a lot like Spike in many ways, except the big difference of being human. She wished she could stay in this world forever. She really did feel like she belonged here now.

The streets were eerily dark and foggy. It was early morning, and the street lamps were put out. Maybe she should have let William walk with her. It was no biggie though. She had her Slayer-strength to protect her. But fighting in a dress like the one she was wearing would be kind of tough.

She felt eyes on her back, like someone was following her. She turned around to look. There was nobody there. Just a big patch of fog. When she turned back around, there was a large figure standing in front of her. She looked up and couldn't say a word.

"It's late little girl. Don't you think that it is a bit late to be walking around a city like this?" he growled in an Irish accent. He had an evil smirk playing on his lips.

Buffy didn't know what to do or say. It was _him._

"You look scared. Come, let me walk with you," he said to her, offering his hand.

If she didn't know him, Buffy would have taken it instead of backing away. "I don't want to hurt you," she said steadily. She knew that if she staked him now, he wouldn't exist in the future. He took a step closer to her. "Angelus..."

He stopped and got a perplexed look on his face. "How do you know me little girl?" he asked. The he shook his head and chuckled. "It doesn't matter. You'll be dead in a second." He lunged toward her quickly, his face morphing into that of a vampire's.

Buffy threw a quick punch to stop him, but surprisingly, he stopped her clenched hand before she could even make contact. Then he twisted her arm behind her and locked his other arm around her, tilting her head to the side exposing her neck. Buffy struggled, but it wasn't working. It seemed like she didn't have her Slayer abilities. She was helpless against Angel.

So she did the only thing she could do. She screamed.

"It won't work. They won't come out. You're mine," he growled and sank his teeth into her neck.

Buffy struggled more, but she couldn't get out of his steel grip. But she kept trying until her muscles wouldn't work anymore. She wanted to cry. Angel was the one who killed her. He was the one who took her away from this life. She felt her heart slow, and she let her tears come. She was sleepy. She shut her eyes and let the tears streak her face. The one thing she remembered saying before she blacked out altogether was, "William..."

Then that was it. Angel let her go. She was dead.


	15. Reality

Buffy awoke with a startle. She was sweating, and her heart was beating about a hundred times faster than it should be. If any of her dreams were real, then she had all the answers in front of her. It was just a matter of piecing them together so she could form somewhat of a coherent conclusion. It would be hard, but she knew it had to be done. Something was happening, and she had to know what it was.

Thoughts of everything that had happened made her heart sink. She couldn't believe it. Angel... He was the one who ended Bianca's life, before she got a chance to live it, and live it with the man of her dreams. It was Angel, the one person who she loved with her whole heart and soul. She thought he would be the one she'd be running to for comfort when she came back. She remembers his exact words to her when they saw each other for the first time since her return.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She saw him sitting in a corner booth, his hands clasped together, with a solemn look on his face. It looked like he didn't know what to do with himself, or like he didn't know what to make of the situation. Well, she didn't either. She didn't know what to say to him, or if she should even tell him what happened to her.

As soon as he saw her, he stood up. She just slid onto the chair across from him.

"Hi Angel," Buffy said solemnly. There was still a distant look in her eyes.

"Buffy... You're alive," he said, astonishment apparent in his eyes.

"I know. So let me save you the asking me why part. I'm alive because Willow brought me back to life. She did a spell and brought me back from eternal hell and I'm grateful to her for that," Buffy explained quickly. "And I came here to tell you how."

Angel wasn't buying this. The expression on his face said it all. He didn't believe a word she said. He just shook his head and said, "Buffy, you can tell me... The truth."

Of course she could. So why was it so hard? It wasn't like he would go to Willow and snap at her. He wouldn't do that. It startled her when he put his hand over hers.

"Angel..." she began, "I don't think you understand. You don't know where I was."

"Buffy... I know you well enough to know that you're not telling me the truth. And you're not telling me the truth, Buffy," he said, squeezing her hand gently. "You know you can tell me anything. I'm always here for you."

_And so that's why you left me to begin with?_ she thought bitterly. Her eyes darted down from that thought. "I know you are," was what she said instead. "But I don't think you would understand. I've been through a lot, Angel, and now I'm back here. I'm back where I belong, and where I'm needed." Though it was only a half-lie, it hurt her to not tell him the truth. He just wouldn't understand. He was never ripped away from eternal rest, peace, and happiness.

Angel nodded, looking upset that she wouldn't tell him anything, but he respected her for not doing so. He knew how hard it must have been for her. Right now she was going through a lot, and he knew this as well. But he also knew that she wasn't there alone. So he said to her, "I love you Buffy, you know that. I would never want to see you unhappy, and I can see it in your eyes that you're *not* happy. But there's also one thing I need you to know. I'm sorry."

She looked up at him. "Sorry for what?" she asked.

"Everything. You may not believe me now, but I never wanted to leave. I knew I had to though. I couldn't be near you... but not in a bad way. Every time I was near you, I knew I would risk losing my soul. And then you found Riley... " Angel said, noticing her face sadden with the mention of Riley. "I knew he made you happy, and I knew then that our chapter was finished. But I need you to know something else..."

"What would that be?" Buffy asked.

Angel let out a long breath and said, "I'm sorry for any unnecessary pain I've put you through. I left for another reason. I knew that I could never make you completely happy, and I knew there was someone else who could."

"Wait, Angel. Before you go any further, you need to know that Riley is gone. He left me," she told him.

There was a light of understanding in his eyes, and a wave of warmth flashed across his face after Buffy finished. "I'm sorry. But he's not the one I was talking about. I've lived for over two hundred years Buffy, and sometimes I can see things that other beings can't. There is someone in your life that understands you, is your equal. And I'm willing to admit that they understand you ten times better than I do," he explained to her. He let out a sigh and continued with, "I wanted to meet you here not only because you've come back, but because I know you have a second chance at everything. I-"

Suddenly, rage flickered in her eyes. In a steady voice she said, "You _don't_ know where I've been. I didn't even _want_ a second chance. I was happy. For once I was content and peaceful. I didn't have to worry about anything or anyone. You don't know anything."

"I do know that you're hurting. Believe me, I know what it feels like to live a life that seems to have no end," Angel said to her, trying to comfort her. Then in a serious but oddly dark tone he said, "You're not the same anymore. I can feel it around you. When you look in the mirror, you see yourself, but inside, you're different."

In a weird way, Angel sounded right. Buffy didn't feel like the old Buffy anymore. She felt inhuman sometimes, like she didn't belong in this world anymore. Willow brought her back against her will, so maybe she wasn't supposed to be here.

"Say that you're right. What else can I do but continue on with my life until I die again?" Buffy said, her expression growing more somber than before.

Angel smiled at her and said, "Instinct, Buffy. Follow your heart. You may not feel like you belong in this world anymore, but this _is_ a second chance. Everyone gets at least one, you know. I did, and now you do. Do what you feel is right for _you._ "

Buffy looked up at him and stared into his eyes for what felt like an eternity. Angel always made her feel safe. Every time she was with him, it felt like he whisked her away from reality and took her to a place for pure comfort. This time was different, though. This time her pulled her into reality. And this was what she needed.

She ripped her eyes away from his and stood up. "I have to go. Thank you," she said to him. Then she started walking away.

"One more thing," Angel said, making Buffy turn around. "Can you forgive me?"

She got a quizzical look on her face. "For what?"

"Everything," he said. That word just encompassed all the things that happened between them. It was a large word and it meant so much. "I still love you, Buffy."

Buffy nodded. "I forgive you," she said distantly, not fully understanding what he meant. Then she turned back around and left. She was on her way back to face reality.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Not even a hug. Not even a word of comfort. She didn't completely understand him. This was the first time she ever felt lost around Angel. And he was right. She _was_ different. Maybe not even human...?

She walked into the bathroom and ran herself a cup of water. She held the water in her hand and stared at it for what seemed like an eternity. She didn't know what to think of everything. The dreams she'd been having felt so real that it was like she'd lived that life before. And if it were true that she wasn't really Buffy Anne Summers anymore, what was she? Who was she?

It was true. Living this life, living in this world... This was hell.


	16. Haunted

It was a dream that replayed itself over and over again in Spike's mind. She was always there, like a ghost, haunting his sleeping hours, just like Buffy haunted his waking hours. Her features never faded from his memory- he would always remember how she looked.

He would always remember her long, flowing blonde hair, her lovely green eyes, and the way her soft skin felt against his. Even though it was cold, she was always warm. She had this air about her that almost made her look like... an angel.

She would come to him in his sleep, when he'd least expect her to. It was almost as if she were reminding him _not_ to forget about her. But the words she spoke in her dream were words that Spike could _never_ forget.

It was always the same. In that dream, he would always be sitting in his bed, mourning for his lost love. He wasn't yet Spike though, rather, he was still William. He was still a human, and it would always be 19th century England.

Then his door creak open, just a jar, and a golden light would shine through the crack. He would look up and slowly, and the door would open to receive his mysterious visitor.

It was her. It was always her. She would come through the door, looking like she was floating, like she was a ghost of some sort. Maybe she was. She would smile at him, that sweet smile that he would always remember. Then she would sit at the side of his bed and just look at him for a moment, with something that looked like yearning in her eyes. But was it yearning? Maybe it was sadness. He could never put a finger on it.

"It's you," he'd say.

"My William," she would say softly. Then in a sadder, yet serious tone, "My love."

He would look at her, trying not to blink, fearing that if he did she might disappear. Then he would ask, "Bianca, where have you been?"

She'd look away just then, diverting her gaze to something other than him in the room, but just for a moment. Then she'd say, "Just believe that I am here with you now, my love. I will always be with you, as long as you never forget me." Then she would get a worried look on her face and then continue, "I don't have much time. I come to you to tell you that all is not lost, William. We have all the time in the world. Though we are not together now, we will be. I can't tell you when, or how, but we will."

"I don't understand."

She would place her hand on his cheek, trying to assure him of what she was saying was true. "If your heart is strong, nothing can keep us apart. We will be with each other again. Believe in us, my love..."

"I do."

Then a clock would sound. It was midnight. Bianca would look toward the window and frown. Then she would turn back to him and say, "I must leave. Please remember what I have told you." That was when she would stand up and start walking towards the door.

"Where are you going?" he'd ask and stand up from the bed, trying to reach for her arm.

"I have to go, William," she'd say. "Please don't forget. I love you..."

It was like he couldn't move. He would just stand there and watch her disappear out of the door, until the golden light faded and he was left in his bedroom, alone again.

And that was when he would wake up.

The first time Spike had that dream, he was quite spooked. It was when he was with Drusilla, that he first had that dream. It was surprising that Drusilla never caught on to that particular dream. Strange that she caught on to everything else about Bianca, but could never catch on to that message in his dream. It was also strange that Drusilla couldn't connect Bianca and Buffy.

_Never giving up..._ Spike repeated to himself every night he had that dream. _My Bianca, my Buffy... my love. I promised I wouldn't forget. I promised I would always remember. And I haven't forgotten._

Spike let out an exasperated breath and tried his luck at sleeping again.


	17. Let's Party

Planning for a party was always fun. Last year, there wasn't much time to plan for a traditional Halloween celebration. The Scoobies were too preoccupied with other things- Anya and Xander's wedding, Willow's newfound magic powers, Giles leaving, and Buffy's return from the grave. That was enough for one year, and besides, at the exception of Anya and Xander's wedding, none of those were really a reason to celebrate.

This year was different. Xander, having landed the huge contracting job for the new and improved Sunnydale High School, was as successful as he could ever get. Willow and Tara were the ever-so-happy couple, and they no longer lived with Buffy. They invested in their own apartment, among the new developments built around the town. Buffy and Dawn had the house to themselves, with of course, the occasional visits from Spike, who watched over the Summers sisters whenever he could.

Everybody was happy. Even Buffy was happy. Life didn't seem so morbid to her anymore. Well, it couldn't seem so morbid anymore, since she had just been offered to be a counselor at the new high school, and she was finally making ends meet at home. The two sisters were finally at an understanding, Buffy not so overprotective of Dawn anymore, letting her be a teenager and all.

Buffy went on her usual daily activities, which were usually work, then dinner, then patrolling. It wasn't so bad at all. Of course, every night she went patrolling, Spike would be trailing along like baggage. He wasn't like _bad_ baggage, he helped her out a lot, but he would constantly bring up their occasional "hooking up." Sure, it did happen sometimes, but it meant nothing... Nothing to her at least. She actually felt like she was just using him- a comfort factor for her.

Spike made the pain melt away, even if it was just for a moment, and that was what she needed to help her through. She barely kissed him anymore, which make him question her more about why she wasn't, rather than asking why she was.

But she never did tell him why. She would always blow him off, change the subject, or just, well, kiss him to shut him up. Any one of those always worked, and then Spike would just leave it alone for the rest of the night.

In all honesty, the reason why Buffy backed off was because of those strange dreams she had about him... or _not_ him, William. She was spooked about what happened to her in those dreams, and what happened between them. Did it mean something? Certainly any dreams that the Slayer had meant something. Any dream she had _always_ had something to do with her "destiny" or whatnot. Except those dreams were about the past, and it was completely safe to say that the past couldn't happen again.

But the dreams had stopped. After that horrible final dream where Angelus killed her, everything stopped. There were no more blackouts, no more vivid dreams.

Buffy never really gave much thought to the dreams, because there was nothing in her present life that really triggered anything that could be connected to those dreams. Well maybe except for Spike, but that was it. There was no reason to look into the dreams, as far as she was concerned. She never brought them up to Giles while he was still around, nor any of the other Scoobies.

Well, there was no use worrying about it anyway, since the dreams were gone. Now it was time to just continue living her life. She was the Slayer, and she had an obligation. She had a family, which was even more of a responsibility.

Now there was a party to plan, which was her present project.

Halloween was the off-night for demons, Angel and Spike always reminded her of that, and that made it the perfect night for a party. The rest of the gang was in on the planning festivities, and Buffy was in charge of coordinating the decorations. Xander and Anya rented out the Bronze, and Tara and Willow were in charge of the food. Everything was going smoothly, now all that needed to be done were costumes.

Each person was on their own for that. Dawn had made it clear to her sister that since she had no part in any of the planning that *she* would be the one to pick out costumes for them. Buffy was a little skeptical at first, but then realized that she trusted her little sister. But she also said to her, "Dawn, if you get something completely embarrassing for me to wear, you're going to get hurt."

So the night before Halloween, Buffy sat in the dining room, double- checking all the things she bought to decorate The Bronze. Dawn sat next to her, helping her out.

"Orange and black balloons," Buffy recited.

Dawn held up four bags filled with balloons. "Check."

"Cute little 'Happy Halloween' streamers."

"Check."

"Orange and black ribbon."

"Check."

"Plates, cups, spoons, and forks."

"Got it."

"Candy and confetti. That should be it," Buffy said, eyeing the paper in her hand.

Dawn held up a huge bag filled with candy, and then a couple bags of confetti. "We're set."

"Great! Now all we need are..."

"Costumes!!!" Dawn exclaimed and bolted upstairs. A minute later, she came back running downstairs with two garment bags.

Buffy looked at the garment bags and then started to scold her sister. "Dawn, I swear, if you spent a ridiculous amount of money on these..."

"Of course not. My friend's mom is working the costume shop downtown, and she gave me a discount on my costume," Dawn explained.

"Well what about mine?"

Dawn shifted her gaze around the room for a minute, then fidgeted. "Well, um..."

"Dawn..."

"Before you get mad, my favorite sister in the whole wide world-"

"I'm your _only_ sister..."

"I saw this costume in the store and I knew it was perfect for you! My friend's mom said that she'd be glad to loan it out as long as it doesn't get messed up or anything. It's beautiful, and I *know* it would look just awesome on you!" Dawn continued in her younger-sister whiny voice.

Buffy was growing impatient. So she just said, "Let me see it."

"I'll show you mine first," Dawn said excitedly. She pulled out a cute little outfit- well, not much _of_ an outfit. It was gold, very gold, and quite skimpy. "I'm an Egyptian princess. Don't you just love it?" She held it up to herself and twirled around, the beads jingling as she turned.

Disapproval shot through Buffy. No way, if mom were here, would she let her wear something like that. Let alone to a party! It wasn't a costume meant for a girl Dawn's age. "No way, Dawn. I _am not_ letting you wear that. Not out, no way, no how."

"Buffy! Please? It's sooooo pretty!"

"No."

"Come on!"

"Dawn, no."

"Well let me show you your costume. If you don't like it, I'll take them both back. If you do, I get to keep mine. How does that sound?"

Buffy was reluctant, but then she just gave in. Dawn would never stop whining, and besides, her costume would have to be just beautiful for her to like it and let Dawn keep hers. "Fine," she said.

Dawn smiled and slowly opened the garment bag. Then she pulled out the costume hanging in it.

Buffy's eyes widened and she gasped, just a little. It was beautiful.


	18. Happy Halloween

Halloween. Off-night for demons. Yeah, right. This was Sunnydale. Every year since she moved here, back when she was sixteen, not once were there no freak-out fests during Halloween. It was ridiculous.

That's why Buffy was out patrolling before she joined the festivities at The Bronze.

She saw what she saw every year. The little kids were out in their cute little costumes, trick-or-treating. Everything seemed normal. As normal as anything could be in this town. Actually, she was just out there to watch over the kids, just to make sure nothing _real_ would jump out and scare them.

When Buffy saw the last few children happily run back home, it was already about ten-thirty. She still had to go home and get dressed. By the time she made it to The Bronze, everyone would have been partying for a good two hours already. She frowned at the thought. But what made her smile was the costume Dawn got for her.

The thought of her costume made her bounce back to her house to get dressed.

~~~~~

"Where in the world is your sister, Dawn?" Xander asked as he walked up to her table from the dancefloor. He was obviously out of breath from dancing with Anya. He took off his yellow jacket. "She said she'd be here by eleven."

Dawn shrugged. "Slayer stuff. You know. And besides, she's got to get her costume together."

"Why won't you tell us what she's dressing up as?" Anya asked. "Damn, these beads are horrible. They keep sticking to me."

Dawn smiled. "It's a surprise. Who are you guys supposed to be anyway?"

"Ah, Dawn, my young friend. Haven't you ever heard of Dick Tracy?" Xander asked, putting his arm around her.

She shrugged. "Yeah... Oh yeah. I know. But who are _you_ supposed to be, Anya?"

"I _told_ you no one would know! And this dress is really getting to me!" Anya complained to her hubby. Then to Dawn she said, "Xander explained this to me. I'm supposed to be one of the bad guys, Breathless-something- or-other."

"Mahoney, dear. Mahoney."

Anya blew him off. "Yeah, whatever. Who would remember her name anyway? Everyone just knows her as the singer in the club."

Dawn laughed at all of this. Xander and Anya would always be the same. Always bickering about stupid topics.

"Guys, I'm going to go get a drink," Dawn said, and headed to the bar. She sat down at a seat, and was surprised to see who came up behind her.

"Now Niblet, what would the older sissy say if she found you sitting at the bar?"

"Hi Spike," Dawn greeted and turned around. She looked him up and down then added, "No costume?"

Spike rolled his eyes. "Oh bloody hell. Does it _look_ like I need a costume?"

"Actually..."

"Don't get started, little one. Where's your sister?" he asked.

"She's coming soon. She wanted to do a quick sweep of the town, even though there shouldn't be anything happening. But then again, this is Sunnydale, and you never know," Dawn explained. "But she should be here..." Her eyes drifted to the entrance. "Wow."

Dawn reacted to something, so Spike turned around to see what grabbed her attention.

"Wow" wasn't the word to describe it. There were no words to describe the sight he saw. It was absolutely amazing.

He blinked, trying to see if this was a dream or not. It had to be. There was no way that she could be here, walking through the doors of The Bronze, and be real. No way in hell.

~~~~~

"Hello there Lady Buffster!" Xander greeted, walking up to her. "Great costume."

Buffy smiled. She felt... different in this costume. She really felt like a 19th century woman. She felt almost delicate, like a flower. The dress she wore was creme colored, and very poofy. There were ruffles of lace all over, with little details of pearls. It was quite low-cut, and the corset she wore made her breasts quite prominent. Her hair was swept up in a simple up-do of curls. The gloves she carried in her hand made the costume look even more authentic.

She curtsied and said to her friend, "Why thank you Mr. Tracy." They both laughed.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Willow run up to her. "Buffy! You look _amazing!_ " she exclaimed, and hugged her.

Willow was a cat. Actually, she and Tara were. What was up with the couple-costumes?

"Where's Dawn?" Buffy asked, looking around the club.

"Last I talked to her, she was on her way to get a drink. She's probably at the bar," Xander said.

_At the bar?_ Buffy's gaze drifted towards the bar. There was her sister, looking at her, smiling. She wasn't there alone, though. Spike was there too, and he was looking at her like... what? It couldn't be amazement. Maybe it was disbelief? It had to be something because he looked like he just saw a ghost.

She started walking over to the bar to greet her sister and get herself a drink. Spike's facial expression never changed as she got closer. His eyes followed her, and it made her nervous.

"Hey guys," she greeted as soon as she made it over there.

"Buffy, you look great!" Dawn said. "You are _so_ beautiful! Did you see all the guys' expressions in here? They're all looking at you!"

Buffy laughed at her sister's excitement. Then she said, "And you little missy, what are you doing sitting at the bar?"

"I just wanted to sit here, calm down. They won't serve me anyway. Chill out," she said calmly.

"Dawn..." Buffy warned.

Dawn got up defensively. "Okay, okay. I'm leaving..." Then she walked off into the crowd, probably to join her own friends.

She watched Dawn walk off, smiling. Then her gaze drifted to Spike.

He was still standing there with the same bewildered expression on his face.

"Spike? Earth to Spike. Wake up."


	19. Sparks

"Buffy...?" Spike whispered, his facial expression still looking a bit confused.

"That would be me, yes," she answered sarcastically. "It looks like you've seen a ghost or something."

_Well something like that,_ Spike thought feebly. She looked exactly like her. Everything physically was the same. Even the way she held herself. Was this a dream? He was afraid to touch her, afraid that she might just disappear before his eyes.

Buffy was confused. Why was he looking at her like that? "What's wrong Spike?" she asked, genuinely worried.

He had to shake this off. But he couldn't. It was too weird. He needed to know, was it just coincidence that she was wearing what she was wearing? Or did she actually know something? He reached his hand out to touch her arm.

Buffy backed off, a little startled by his sudden movement.

He put his hand back down. "You look... Very beautiful," he said, seemingly at a loss for words. "You've captured my time quite... accordingly."

She smiled, realizing that of course, tonight she was a girl from his time. And what better person to opinionate her costume? Certainly Spike would know. "Thank you," she replied. "I was wondering myself if I got this right or not."

"Couldn't be more realistic, love."

There was a moment of awkward silence. They were both looking around the club, trying to find something to talk about. Either that, or they were waiting for one of them to walk away.

When neither of them walked away, Buffy spoke up and said, "I'm gonna go find the rest of the gang. I'm glad you could come." Then she turned around to walk away.

Spike had to stop her. She couldn't disappear into the crowd just like that. He had to say something. So he grabbed her arm.

"Spike, wha-"

Something happened. It was like a shot of electricity though them both.

Spike was startled. He didn't know what that was. There was a flash of light, just for a split second and then... Well, and then he was stuck. He couldn't move, couldn't make a noise. Something rendered him still, and looking into the Slayer's eyes. They were the same eyes from the past. The same profound look he remembered receiving when he confessed his love. But this time, he could tell it was a look of confusion.

Buffy had turned around and locked eyes with the vampire in a split second. She _saw_ something. It couldn't be his bright blue eyes. No, it was something brighter. It was a flash. She couldn't move, it was like something was locking her in place. She couldn't do anything but stay there, looking into Spike's eyes. Then she felt like she was falling, but she remained standing.

The loud atmosphere of the party seemed to fade around them until it was just the two of them. Just both of them standing there, looking into each other's eyes, searching for an explanation of what happened.

Suddenly, Spike whispered something. If the noise from the party wasn't drowned out, he would be barely audible. But since it seemed like they were in their own world right now, he was perfectly audible. What he whispered was a name. A familiar name to them both, "Bianca."

Buffy remembered. Her dreams. She was Bianca in those dreams. And Spike, well of course, he was William.

"William," she whispered back.


	20. Simple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you found this story on FF [dot] net, the title is different. I was very much into Kingdom Hearts at the time. >.>

Spike looked at her with a meaningful gaze. He wasn't so sure anymore. Did she know who Bianca was? Sure enough, she called him "William," and she said it like she _saw_ him. It wasn't like the times Buffy called him by his name, so condescendingly. "Who _are_ you?" Spike asked.

Buffy didn't know. She was Buffy. She was Bianca, or she was in her dream. She was both. Bianca loved William. Buffy resented Spike. Bianca was merely a delicate woman. Buffy was the Slayer. They were not the same person, yet they shared the same passion for _him._

"She never wanted to leave you, you know," was what she ended up saying.

"What?" Spike asked, utterly confused now.

"Her. The one you loved... or still love," she explained, not flinching at all. "She loved you with all her heart, and her soul. And I know that you did too... love her."

Spike looked at the girl, his head tilting a bit to the side, not completely understanding what she was saying.

Buffy continued to talk. "I'm not her. I may look exactly like her, but what's inside, I'm not her. We're not the same person. You aren't either. You aren't William anymore, you haven't been for centuries."

She was right. William was a far and distant, _very_ distant, memory- if you could even call it a "memory." William was a lost soul. More precisely, William was Spike's lost soul. He hasn't been William for centuries. He didn't act like him, he didn't speak like him, he didn't dress like him (thankfully)... he just _wasn't_ him anymore. He was Spike. Just Spike.

"You may not be her, but you know her," he said finally. "You _were_ her."

It was true. Buffy was Bianca. Yet two different people from two different periods were not the same. They were the same person, but with two different souls. She knew what happened in the past because she saw it. She lived it, even if it was just for a short time, but that was not where Buffy belonged. That wasn't her place. Now was her time, and now was her place.

Spike continued with, "You were her. You know what happened to her."

Yes, she did. She was killed by Angelus.

_Angelus,_ Buffy thought to herself, sorrowfully. So that's what he meant after all. All this time, she thought that the only thing Angel wanted from her was forgiveness for leaving her. He wanted forgiveness for taking Bianca's life.

Buffy's eyes darted down from Spike's and she said quietly, "I do... And I forgive him." Her eyes moved to meet his again, and she continued with, "The last thing she thought about was you. It was painful for her. Her happiness was taken from her in an instant."

And that, Buffy could relate to. Her happiness was taken away from her in an instant as well. She was in heaven, and then pulled back into this world by unnatural means.

Spike was afraid to ask her what really happened. She said it was painful. Had Bianca been in an accident? Did someone kill her? He never knew, she just disappeared. "Tell me. Tell me what happened," he said stoically.

She didn't want to. She just shook her head.

"Tell me," he said again.

Buffy let out a breath. "She was killed."

"By who..." Spike started, then came to a realization and restated his question, "By _what?_ "

Nothing but sorrow could be seen in her eyes. She didn't want to say anything. She didn't want him to know.

If he was thinking correctly, it was a vampire. That was why she wouldn't answer his question. The year was 1880, and the only vampires in his town were Angelus, Darla, and Drusilla. If it was a vampire, it had to be one of those three, and if it were... someone would have hell to pay.

"Who was it?" he asked, almost savagely.

Buffy kept shaking her head. She wasn't going to tell him. "No, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that she lov-"

He cut her off. "You keep saying that! I know it, or at least I knew it, when she was alive... When we were _both_ alive! Bloody hell, I already know it was a vampire. Who was it? Was it Dru? Was it Darla? Or was it that brooding poof, Angelus? Tell me now!" He was determined to find out.

Silence.

That was all he needed. Silence. That was the answer. The odd silence. Was she really trying to protect him? "It was the ponce, wasn't it?"

Just silence.

As if he didn't do enough to him already. That soul-infested, brooding poof? The one who was the bloody "champion," the perfect one, the one who almost took Drusilla away from him, the one who had Buffy first... Now _he_ was the one who took away his one love? Spike hated him before, now his animosity towards him was unbearable. He wanted to rip his head off. But no, the Slayer wouldn't let him do that. It filled him with rage. He told the bloody poof everything- about her, the dream, and how she just vanished. And all along he was responsible for it.

"All he wants in forgiveness," she said at last.

Forgiveness? Never. "He knew, he knew all along. He wants forgiveness because he's got that soul of his. Feels it now, he does. But he hasn't felt it for over one-hundred-and-twenty years! I have! His soul... it's a damned excuse for everything he does. But let me tell you, you don't need a soul to feel."

In all of his rage, Spike actually looked like he could just break down and cry. It was peculiar to Buffy. Could he actually be hurt by this? Did it hurt his still heart?

His rage seemed to melt away after a moment, and the expression on his face was sad. "There's this dream I have of her that keeps repeating itself in my mind. Over and over. She says we'll be together. She says that we have all the time in the world."

Instinctively, Buffy softly placed her hand on his cheek. "I'm not her," she told him softly, with a touch of remorse. "I'm sorry, Spike."

Love her, he did. The Slayer. Buffy. She was everything to him. She made him feel like a man, not a monster. She made him _want_ to be a man, made him want to change. He didn't want forgiveness, he just wanted her to accept him, to love him like he loved her.

"I know..." he said to her. "And I'm not William."

She gave him a grim smile. "No," she whispered softly.

"But I love you, Slayer," he said simply.

Buffy was ready with an answer, but instead just sighed.

Spike gave a smirk. "I know, 'you know.'"

Slowly, the noise was returning. The party in the background was reappearing. In moments, the party atmosphere was regenerated. Buffy and Spike were still in that same position- he was holding her arm, while she was ready to walk away, but they were just looking at each other.

What happened? Neither of them were sure. Did they really have that conversation? How long were they standing there in that position?

"I have to go," Buffy murmured. She didn't want to know if it really did happen.

Spike nodded. "Go enjoy the party, love," he said and let go of her arm.

Then she turned around and walked away.

He watched her join her friends and laugh and dance the night away. He would always be there, watching her. That conversation was real, and it meant something to him. She may have not said anything in words, but he knew she felt something for him.

And that was all he needed... Hope.

So he would wait for her. He would change. He would make himself into what she wanted, what she needed, what she deserved. To make her happy. Though Bianca and William were done, Buffy and Spike were just beginning. Time wasn't an obstacle for him.

She said it herself, rather, Bianca did. They had time. They had all the time in the world.


End file.
